Today’s midlife woman is very different from her 1900 counterpart. The turn-of-the-century woman in her late thirties or early forties was sliding into her last era of life. She was more physically depleted because of multiple pregnancies, was not well-educated, and had narrow opportunities.
Today’s midlife woman has a great number of productive years to which she can look forward. She has skills, education, physical strength, and community acceptance. These midlife years may become her most productive and enjoyable years.
When many of today’s midlife women were in their early twenties, they eagerly jumped into the role of wife and mother, and many never really wanted anything more. They were delighted to see their husband’s success, to vicariously enjoy what he was experiencing, to raise children to be good citizens, and to walk with God.
By their late thirties, however, many of these women are very startled by the change in their feelings about their wife and mother roles. Gradually their satisfaction level drops because of two major factors.
1. "Quiet" nest. The children of a midlife woman are usually still living at home, but are involved much of the time in school activities, part-time jobs, and with friends.
The children are growing very independent. Yes, they need Mom to do the laundry, cook the meals, and keep the house clean. They also need her to run errands and keep the loose ends tied up--but they think they don’t really need her as a person. In fact, they may actually reject her because she "thinks old ideas." She doesn’t like today’s music, clothing, and hairstyles, and may embarrass them when she is around their friends--especially at the mall.
The starry-eyed mother in her twenties may become the exploited mother in her late thirties, serving her children, but not receiving any emotional fulfillment from them.
As she looks to the future, she realizes that shortly her children may be getting married, then she may also become that dreaded "mother-in-law." She is surprised how quickly the "fun years" with the children went by. Now she may feel she is entering the "rejection years".
She is shocked to realize how many years she will live without children at home. Suddenly, her mothering role comes up for reevaluation.
2. Low marriage satisfaction. In her early twenties, marriage was a great adventure with the man she loved. He loved her and took time for her. By her late thirties, marriage may be an endless nightmare of excuses and growing distance.
They had promised each other that their marriage would not be like their parents’ marriages. Sadly, it has followed the same course. They are each preoccupied with their own concerns and have little time for their marriage relationship.
Oh, they talk all the time--about the kids, school, or the house. But they don’t talk to each other about their goals, dreams, and needs--their deep concerns.
The husband, since his early twenties, has been preoccupied with his career. He says, "Next year we’ll have more time." "Next year we’ll go away." "I’ll make it up to you, but for now . . . ." The excuses and the growing separation go on and on. So by midlife, most married people report very low marital satisfaction.
The woman who, in her twenties, willingly gave up her own personal dreams for the dreams of her husband and children, now begins to ask, "Have I been exploited?" "Did I make a mistake?" "Isn’t it time that I follow some of the dreams and abilities that God has given to me?"
This woman is on the edge of a major life reassessment that will ultimately result in her own personal blooming and a more positive relationship with the people around her. However, in the short run, the experience may be very painful for herself and her family.
The Unmarried Woman
The unmarried woman may have followed a career dream rather than marriage and mothering. Now at midlife she may begin to desire a more rounded experience. She may have a strange urge to cut back in her career, get married, be a mother. Now she would like to enjoy marriage and mother-child relationships.
Often we talk to young women experiencing near panic because they are trying to accomplish all of their life goals in one short era. They’re trying to be wives, full-time students, career women, and mothers. These young women have not yet learned that life has many seasons.
The unmarried, midlife career woman may also find herself experiencing burn-out or dis-satisfactions similar to midlife men. The upper limits in career goals may already have been reached. Or the realization may come crashing in on her that she probably never will accomplish what she’d hoped.
The "Have it All" Woman
Every woman needs to decide how she will use her life. An old saying used to teach that "Time is money". Today it’s more accurate to say, "Time is life". It’s your life we’re talking about. How will you use it? What will you accomplish? What will you do with your allotted time?
Often we talk to young women experiencing near panic because they are trying to accomplish all of their life goals in one short era. They’re trying to be wives, full-time students, career women, and mothers. These young women have not yet learned that life has many seasons.
There is time in life to enjoy being a women without the responsibilities of marriage or children. In other seasons you may enjoy being a wife without the distraction of children. Other seasons may bring children, career, volunteer work overseas, major leadership in business or the community--or maybe even the presidency of the United States! But don’t do it all at once! Take life in small chunks. Realize that God has a unique plan for each woman in her unique situation.
As you think about your current or future experience, remember to live in line with your gifts, abilities, and opportunities. You are unique to God. Try to serve others with the gifts that you have been given.
Don’t place money as a career priority. Instead, work in line with your gifts and abilities. Re-read Psalm 1 in the Bible and notice the promise that you have been transplanted into God’s own garden-you will yield your own fruit in your own season.
Blooming at Midlife
Midlife can be an exciting time with many opportunities, or a dreary time of confusion and entrapment. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but you can decide that the circumstances won’t dominate you. You do have choices.
