Prior to midlife, a man is consumed with desires, distractions and dreams. He pursues these with vigor because he feels strong and loves aggressive approaches. He is able to ignore the negative impact of his choices because he has plenty of energy and he recovers quickly. He also tends to be consumed with his interests and responsibilities to the point that he ignores his own personal growth. While he is gaining proficiency in his career and hobbies, he will begin to lag behind in relational skills, spiritual sensitivity, and balanced emotional vibrancy. Prior to midlife, these issues are boring, irritating, or unattractive. But when they become driving passions later on, he is ill-equipped to respond to their demands. For instance, a man who has not learned a balanced approach to emotional expression will find that anger is his most comfortable emotion, which is not a big deal in his twenties and thirties because it helps him become more productive. But, when he faces more sensitive needs in his forties such as the desire for intimacy, compassionate companionship, and admiration, he realizes he doesn’t know how to express his needs and desires, and just gets angry (or depressed, if he turns the anger on himself) when the needs are not met. Unfortunately, this backfires, and his anger drives away the people who could best meet these needs in his life.
Likewise, a woman is consumed with personal responsibility, cares deeply for the people in her life, and for the pursuits she is involved with. She has been designed by God to make things better, therefore she has an insatiable desire to improve everything she touches. The passion she develops for her family, and outside interests, constantly energizes her to continue investing in what she truly cares about. As a result, she thrives on feedback from others and from the belief that her world is better because of her efforts. At the same time, she lives with a nagging sense that she can never do enough; there are always more personal needs to address, everyone needs more of her time, and everything needs a little more care. She may feel, and even obsess about, being prettier, smarter, more skilled, and more involved. But, in her pursuit, she is probably neglecting her own physical, emotional, or social health in some way, taking two steps backwards. As she gets close to midlife, many of the people she has invested herself in no longer need her, or they complain about the constant concern she shows for them. Rather than getting the positive feedback, or appreciation for a job well done, that she needs and deserves, she gets pushed away, criticized, and left behind. It is easy at this point to start thinking, “I deserve better. I have given my life for these people and they don’t appreciate it. It is my turn now. I need to do what I want since everyone else is taking me for granted.”
